You might be too HOO-WAH if...


  • 1. Your newborn must attend the newcomers' orientation briefing within the first 30 days.
  • 2. Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.
  • 3. You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed tactically.
  • 4. You make your children clear housing before they go off to college.
  • 5. You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags on your floorboards as part of a tune-up.
  • 6. Your POV is equipped with blackout lights.
  • 7. Your kids call their mother "Household 6".
  • 8. Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus.
  • 9. Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.
  • 10. You have sector sketches and range cards posted by every window in your house.
  • 11. You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.
  • 12. Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations, and must pay for the meal.
  • 13. You make your daughter sign out on pass on Prom Night.
  • 14. Your kindergartner calls recess a "smoke break".
  • 15. Your wife takes a knee" in the checkout line at the supermarket.
  • 16. You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry Store.
  • 17. Your kids call the tooth fairy "Slicky Boy".
  • 18. Your son fails the third grade, but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle".
  • 19. Your kids salute their grandparents.
  • 20. Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your Commander's.
  • 21. Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
  • 22. Your grandmother won "All American Week" and "Best Ranger".
  • 23. Your kids initials are AR, FM, TM, or DA.
  • 24. Your pick-up has your name stenciled on the windshield.
  • 25. Your kids are hand-receipt holders.
  • > 26. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."
  • 27. Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically.
  • 28. Your wife keeps Mermites in the China cabinet.
  • 29. Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.
  • 30. You call your in-laws the "Slice Elements"
  • 31. Your dog's name is "Ranger".
  • 32. All your possessions are military issue.
  • 33. Your kids call their sandbox "NTC".
  • 34. You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.
  • 35. Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.
  • 36. Your kids pull fireguard.
  • 37. Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster".
  • 38. You decorate your Christmas Tree with Chem Lights and Engineer Tape.
  • 39. You've given your children an Article 15.
  • 40. And you are Too HOO-WAH if you understood all of these expressions.

    The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

  • 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
  • 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
  • 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
  • 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
  • 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
  • 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
  • 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
  • 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
  • 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
  • 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
  • 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
  • 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
  • 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
  • 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
  • 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
  • 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
  • 17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
  • 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc...) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
  • 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
  • 20. HH-53 Jolly Green pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
  • 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
  • 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
  • 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
  • 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.
  • 25. Military Police: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.

    Submitted by our TOD Advisor Lee Russell

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