You might be too HOO-WAH if...
1. Your newborn must attend the newcomers' orientation briefing
within the first 30 days.
2. Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.
3. You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed
4. You make your children clear housing before they go off to
5. You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags on your
floorboards as part of a tune-up.
6. Your POV is equipped with blackout lights.
7. Your kids call their mother "Household 6".
8. Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus.
9. Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and
10. You have sector sketches and range cards posted by every
window in your house.
11. You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving
12. Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door,
except the oldest, who is on separate rations, and must pay for the meal.
13. You make your daughter sign out on pass on Prom Night.
14. Your kindergartner calls recess a "smoke break".
15. Your wife takes a knee" in the checkout line at the
16. You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry
17. Your kids call the tooth fairy "Slicky Boy".
18. Your son fails the third grade, but tells everyone he was a
"phase three recycle".
19. Your kids salute their grandparents.
20. Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your
21. Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
22. Your grandmother won "All American Week" and "Best
23. Your kids initials are AR, FM, TM, or DA.
24. Your pick-up has your name stenciled on the windshield.
25. Your kids are hand-receipt holders.
> 26. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."
27. Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically.
28. Your wife keeps Mermites in the China cabinet.
29. Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command"
30. You call your in-laws the "Slice Elements"
31. Your dog's name is "Ranger".
32. All your possessions are military issue.
33. Your kids call their sandbox "NTC".
34. You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.
35. Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.
36. Your kids pull fireguard.
37. Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster".
38. You decorate your Christmas Tree with Chem Lights and
39. You've given your children an Article 15.
40. And you are Too HOO-WAH if you understood all of these
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and
clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis
in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill
Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee
on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and
delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of
snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too
overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover
etc...) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech
snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes
and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power
lines or SAM's.
20. HH-53 Jolly Green pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone.
Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,
but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
25. Military Police: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it
its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night
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Submitted by our TOD Advisor Lee Russell